I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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