i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i think i just lost a toe
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
