He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
