he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You took a bar mat shot.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize