I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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