matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
