I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
