God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
