hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize