I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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