I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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