What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
