He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
