does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
