One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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