I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
