It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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