just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
