How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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