So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
