she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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