Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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