I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize