hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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