I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
