not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
