Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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