That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
