I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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