He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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