i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
