pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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