3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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