One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
