She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
