some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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