How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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