You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
