Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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