Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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