you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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