I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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