new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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