if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
