A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
