btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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