My friends, they love my intelligence
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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