Cold hands, warm shart.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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