Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
