If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Sober January is a disaster.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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