I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
