He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
