Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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