i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
