The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So here I am, sexting at work.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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