respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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