I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize