Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
