i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
