I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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