Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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